I have not winced nor cried aloud
by Rosa020
Summary: SPOILER 2x08 ! Post-spacewalker. Clarke, Bellamy and the others need to deal with Finn's death. Mostly Bellarke. French version available on my profile.
1. Nightmare

She stays awake as long as possible and when she eventually collapses, she makes nightmares. She struggles, screams, calls out for Finn in her sleep. He sits in the corridor, next to the door. He's watching. Inside, Abby is trying to wake her up, to hug her. In vain. She pushes her away without getting out of her delirium. When she eventually gives up, Doctor Griffin opens the door to let him in.

- Please… Please, wake her up.

He stands up and leaves his rifle in the corridor.

(He always lets his rifle in the corridor.)

He goes gently, step by step. First he talks to her, he doesn't want to suprise or scare her. He announces himself before coming near the bed where she's shivering, fighting herself.

- Clarke ? It's gonna be okay… It's just a nightmare. Everything's gonna be fine.

He talks nonsense, he doesn't know where all the lovely lies are coming from, just that he would do anything for her to believe him.

(About Clarke he knows better than to ask himself any question. He doesn't think, he acts. He wouldn't know what to do with what he thinks about Clarke anyway.)

When he's close enough to touch her he grabs her arm. He's strong enough to stop her from moving if he wants to. He doesn't want to. He wants her to calm down by herself.

- Clarke ? Clarke, it's me. Calm down…

- Finn… I'm sorry ! I'm so sorry, Finn !

He has squatted so he's at the same level as she is. He can feel Doctor Griffin's eyes on them but he ignores her. He tightens his hand on Clarke's arm and put his other hand on her forehead.

(Octavia usually does that when Lincoln is fighting his own demons. Why do the monsters always wait for night and sleep to attack ?)

- Clarke, he says again, quietly, stroking her hair.

Her head rolls on the side so she's facing him. She struggles less on her bed already. She's still shivering, whispering « Finn… ». She doesn't cry.

(She never cries.)

He waits a little more, keeps whispering his lies, his « everything's gonna be fine », his « it's just a nightmare » untils she finally calms down. And then he waits even more, counting sixty seconds in his head, his security's minute. He can feel Abby coming over here behind him. He stands up before she's close enough to touch him.

(He's a bit taller than their almost-auto-proclamed-chancellor.)

They both stay here and stands in the darkness, him facing Abby, her looking down at her daughter resting between two fights. He's about to leave when she finally looks up and catches his eyes.

- Thank you, Bellamy.

He nods without a word and goes back to his watching.


	2. Hunting

Sometimes she storms into his tent in the early morning, two spears in hand.

- I'm going hunting. You're coming ?

He doesn't need any subtitle.

(She asks to be polite, they both know he's coming.)

Everybody in Camp Jaha is still sleeping, but the guards on shift, when they cross the gate. He's carrying blankets in his backpack, she's got a first-aid kit in hers. They'd leave with nothing but the clothes they're wearing if they could.

(No rifles. That was the Grounder's only condition to open their hunting territory to them.)

They spend the day running the woods in silence. They aren't here to talk. Clarke needs to focus on something, to keep Finn and the way he died, far away from her head. To drain herself enough to maybe sleep deep and well through the next night. Maybe. He isn't sure why he's here, why she asked him to come with her. He knows there is a reason, he just doesn't know what it is. Nobody is allowed to leave camp alone but they've never been ones to follow the rules. She never talks during their hunting sessions so it isn't to confide in him either.

(Sometime he smiles, when he's wondering like that, because he can almost see his little sister rolling her eyes. « It never occured to you that she may just enjoy your company, did it ? »)

He has his own reasons for following her into the forest. Like how he watches her sleep at the Medical Bay's door. His life is a permanent shift since Spacewalker's death.

(Even on the Ark, back when he used to wear the uniform, he never felt as much of a guard as he does now, while he's watching over the Princess.)

The hunting session often turns to the endurance race. They've started running and none of them makes a move to take a break or even slow down. So they just keep running, not even bothering to track their prey anymoreif they had found one. They run for no reason, two silhouettes carrying spears passing between the trees. The leaves and twigs are cracking under their steps, they're breathing heavily. They're not racing each other nor trying to go any faster. They run until their bodies deny them the chance to take another step.

At nightfall they head back to camp, just walking. Somewhere along the way home they get hungry and stop near a stream. Their hunting sessions don't allow them to bring big catches to feed the whole camp. So they just start a fire and roast the rabbits or squirels they've take during the day.

They often stay after that and watch the stars while the flames are dying. Bellamy takes out a blanket that they share, still quiet. He can feel Clarke's body next to his, against his arm, and he likes this way of watching her without actually looking at her.

They usually spend the rest of the way back racing each other for good.

(They always arrive along with each other.)

(Sometimes they stay near the fire so long that Clarke's body becomes heavy against his. These nights he walks gently back to camp, careful not to wake her up. The hunting ends when he drops her on her bed in the med bay. Abby takes over from here and sends him to his own bed, not without a thankful nod.)


	3. Abby and Bellamy 1

_Thanks to Juliette, who beta this text for me._

The first time she comes upon the name of Bellamy Blake he's a criminal and a traitor. He shot Thelonius and ran away by the 100 dropship. He's a murderer and he is down there with a bunch of delinquents.

(And Clarke.) 

The first time she meets Bellamy Blake he's been pardonned, he's covered in blood and dust and he's handcuffed because he just attacked another kid. She hasn't time to take interest in him at first because she has the Ark's survivors to take care of and her daughter to search for. However she quickly comes to the realisation that Bellamy Blake is one of the only persons who cares about what happened to the kids.

(And Clarke.)

So she helps him out of his cell, provides him a gun and lets him go with the other kids they've found. Praying that in doing so she was not committing her biggest mistake.

(For Clarke. She's doing this for Clarke.) 

Of course things don't turn out as expected and Clarke comes back to camp before Bellamy. So overjoyed at having her daughter back, Abby almost forgets about the boy until he shows up again with two wounded. It's sort of a mess, Finn and Murphy are God knows where with rifles, but she doesn't have time to worry about it. Clarke rushes past her, running faster than she ever saw her run, throws her arms around Bellamy Blake's neck and hugs him so tight she's probably hurting him. The boy staggers a minute, confused, beforme wrapping Clarke in his own arms and hugging her back.

The look of utter relief he's wearing on his face changes something in the way Abby looks at him. 

Everything else happens very fast, Jaha shows up again –how on earth did he manage to join them, that's a mystery-, the Grounders are surrounding them, Clarke and Bellamy refuse any authority and vanish in the woods with their friend the way they want, Thelonius looks like he's out of his mind, they're given an ultimatum, Clarke's only concern is for the kids trapped in Mount Weather, she obviously has no sense of the priority, Clarke…

Clarke walks straight to the Grounders and negociate a truce by getting one of them off the drug that's turning him into a Reaper. Clarkes walks amongst the warriors and kills the boy she loves to spare him a night of torture. Clarke doesn't shake, doesn't scream, walks back to camp and vanishes inside what's left of the Ark.

Bellamy Blake follows her without a word, like a shadow.

From Finn's death day Abby ceases to see Bellamy as a delinquent and a dangerous rebel. 

Within the days and weeks that follow the truce with the Grounder, Abby sees her daughter drown herself in work. Clarke's never been that withdrawn, that cold and quiet, even with her. She makes battle plans, strikes out on expedition, prepares munitions, avoids Raven, makes round trips to the Grounders camp to organize the assault. Her eyes and cheeks grow hollow amongst with the sleepless days.

Abby tries everything she can to help her out of her apathy, to oblige her to feed herself and get some sleep. It a day-to-day fight, one in vain. Clarke pushes away her hands and her help. Clarke, actually, pushes everyone away. Except him. It may be because he is not really trying to help her in the end. He's just there. He follows her like a shadow, wherever she goes, and she doesn't tell him to back off. Abby eventually understands Bellamy's strategy. Instead of trying to give her something she obviously doesn't want, he waits for her to ask for it. He stays here to be ready to catch her the day she collapses.

In this Clarke-against-Clarke war Abby understands that Bellamy Blake is the only one able to interpose himself. The traitor, the delinquent, the rebel has become the thin and only bond between Abby and her daughter. And she doesn't know if she's thankful or if she hates him for that.


End file.
